Understanding the Power Struggle Phase in Relationships
You won’t just fall in love with someone who makes you happy—you’ll fall in love with someone who triggers you. And that’s not a flaw in the relationship or a sign of incompatibility. In fact, it’s often the beginning of real healing.
Many people come to me wondering if their relationship is broken—or if they’re simply asking for too much. The spark that once felt effortless now seems buried under miscommunication, avoidance, tension, or hurt.
This is often what we call the power struggle phase of a relationship—and while it’s uncomfortable, it’s also par for the course. And if navigated with care, intention, and self-awareness, it can offer a profound path toward healing and deeper connection.
What Is the Power Struggle Phase?
After the initial honeymoon period—when everything feels magical and easeful—most couples enter a new stage. This is when differences start to surface. You begin to see each other’s edges, and your nervous systems start reacting in familiar, uncomfortable ways. You might notice:
You’re triggered more often.
Old wounds are being activated.
You feel the need to be “right” or to protect yourself.
You begin questioning whether you're truly compatible.
This phase isn’t a sign that something’s wrong—it’s a sign that the relationship is deepening. Because relationships aren’t just about love and compatibility—they’re also about growth.
What’s Really Going On
This stage often catches people off guard because it feels so different from the ease of the beginning. But underneath the tension is something deeply human and meaningful: when we attach to someone romantically, we don’t just attach to the parts of them that make us feel loved—we also subconsciously bring forward the parts of us that were wounded in our early relationships.
Our romantic partners become our adult attachment figures, which means our deepest longings, wounds, and fears get activated in their presence and often projected onto them.
And suddenly, we’re not just reacting to our partner—we’re reacting to everything we’ve carried from the past.
We unconsciously expect them to heal our attachment wounds—but that’s not their job. Their role is not to complete us or fix our past. Instead, they become mirrors for what still needs healing within ourselves.
When seen as an opportunity—not a dead end—the power struggle phase can guide us back to our own path of healing and wholeness.
As Gabor Maté says:
"The tension in a relationship is not a sign that it's doomed. It’s a sign that there's something that’s trying to happen—something that’s trying to emerge.”
The Opportunity Within the Struggle
The power struggle phase can feel lonely or even hopeless. But it’s actually a crucial turning point—a moment when a couple can either:
Retreat (emotionally or physically),
Lock into cycles of blame and disconnection,
Or begin to heal—both individually and together.
This is where the real work—and the real growth—happens. Learning to recognize your patterns, communicate with compassion, and take responsibility for your emotional world can transform this phase into one of deep repair and reconnection.
What Makes a Relationship Conscious
A great partner isn’t someone who never triggers you—it’s someone who’s willing to see you, stay with you, and grow with you through it.
That said, it takes real humility, self-awareness, and personal responsibility to look inward instead of blaming your partner for every trigger or disappointment. When we stay in the blame game, we get stuck in the power struggle—and never move into the conscious love phase of a relationship.
Instead, we remain locked in a codependent dynamic, unconsciously enabling one another to stay in wounded patterns rather than grow beyond them.
As I often tell clients: you can’t always prevent the trigger, but you can learn to understand it, slow it down, and respond differently. And slowly, over time, you can soften its grip and reclaim your power.
If You’re Here, You’re Not Alone
Whether you're in a relationship that feels stuck, or you're single and noticing the same painful dynamics repeating, growing past this phase is something we can work on together.
Through our work, you can:
Understand your attachment style and nervous system responses
Grow past your attachment wounds
Reclaim your voice, boundaries, and sense of worth
And create more satisfying, secure connections—without abandoning yourself
Your triggers aren’t the end of the story. They’re just the beginning.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to support you. Book a discovery call
